Expectations - The Dreaded Monster in Relationships.

EXPECTATIONS

According to the dictionary the plain meaning is either the belief that something will happen or it’s a mere hope for the future.

I always have heard people say that Expectation is the root cause of Sorrow. Expect nothing and you will never be disappointed. No expectations are the best kind of expectations.  If you have no expectations, then there is no way you can be let down, right? 

So what really is this dreaded monstrous thing called  Expectation?

Well for me, after pondering and much deliberation on this topic, have realized that there are many types of expectations that we have from people. Be it our spouse, family, friends, loved ones, acquaintances, strangers.

Basic expectations – These are very reasonable and justifiable ones in any relationship. These are the kind of expectations that you have the right to expect from your relationships. These kind of expectations are the utmost needed in any relationship for it to function smoothly. These expectations are, in a sense, the pillars upon which any healthy and positive relationship is based .

Things important for Child -Parent relationship – a good quality time, good learning, manners, education, food, clothing, shelter, caring for them when they get old.

It is important for spouses to expect from each other – care, compassion, loyalty, respect, affection appreciation, acknowledgement, Intimacy – both physical and emotional, presence, emotional and financial support.

Friendship  – care, integrity, honesty, respect, time, response, appreciation.

Work Relationships -- healthy working relation,  loyalty, integrity, respect.

There are no basic expectations from acquaintances and strangers

But in the other mentioned relationships, if the basic expectations are not fulfilled, the relationship suffers. When even one party doesn’t live up to it, the other one has to suffer, despite giving their best.

Now one will say why to expect? Reason being when you enter in a relationship – either by default or by choice, the basic expectations are the things which will help you understand the person, strengthen the relationship bond and continue the relationship smoothly and beautifully.  

Now there are something called as Reasonable / Realistic and Unrealistic Expectations – These kinds of expectations bring disappointment and displeasure along with resentment when not fulfilled. People should be reasonable and realistic in expecting things from their relationship. When we have unrealistic expectations in in any relationship, we set ourselves up for more than just disappointment. Because it's unlikely that the other party in the relationship will ever be able to meet them, our disappointment can fester and transform into other more defeating emotions and choices, thus crumbling and crippling that relationship.

For Eg :

A parent may expect their kids to be a great student scoring full marks, or maybe become a great actor/sportsperson or make a lot of money. These are unrealistic expectations. But parents expecting their kids to be a good human being, a good student and making a decent earning by following a right career path is reasonable expectations. Similarly a child expecting their parents to splurge on them with a new high end fancy car, along with high end posh vacations are unrealistic expectations but a child expecting their parents to spend quality time with them, along with providing a decent lifestyle and education is a reasonable expectation.

A wife expecting husband to be looking like some hot actor,to be rich like the Ambanis , buy her expensive jewelry every time, take her out shopping daily and on expensive vacations every month, is an unrealistic expectations. But expecting that the husband respect her, treat her properly in front of others, appreciate and acknowledge her , while providing basic necessities of  a married life – i.e. financial security, comfortable lifestyle, good quality time, is a pretty reasonable expectation. Similarly a Husband expecting a wife to be as beautiful and fit like an actress / model, should be always available for his demands, and allowing him to go beyond marriage always will be an unrealistic expectation. But when he expects his wife to care for his wellbeing, manage his household, take care of his parent’s needs, take care of children, spend time when he comes homme from work tired, is pretty reasonable.

A Friend expecting other friends to be acting on their whims and fancies, immediately available when they need them, support their wrong decisions, always spend money and time for them, is an unrealistic expectation. Whereas, a friend expecting other friends to be non judgmental, emotionally supportive, correct them when they go wrong, helping each other evolve in life, is pretty reasonable.

Now what are the expectations from an Acquaintances / strangers?

An acquaintance is someone you see possibly everyday at work , market, kid’s school, building complex or maybe you see them every now and then through any common activity. They are someone you help or someone who help you without expecting anything in return. This isn't a person you open up to or provide high level of commitment to. So basically there are no expectations from them. Expecting that they say hello to you daily or share their day details with you is totally an unrealistic expectation.

As a psychologist friend of mine once told me, we have been imbibed with this since our childhood. To expect from people has been Engraved into us ever since then. When we used to be young, as kids we expected to be served food as soon as we reach home from School. When a guest comes to home, we are expected to serve them water. When a marriage happens, the bride is expected to bow down to people, remain silent. When a death happens in a family, the members are expected to mourn for a few days.

Now What I have realized is that it’s important to have basic and some realistic expectations from any relationships. Especially when it comes to personal relationships.  If we never expect our partners in any relationship to fulfil basic expectations, how can we create a foundation of what  we need in a relationship?

It’s healthy to have expectations of respect, affection, intimacy, time together, etc.  Being in a healthy relationship means you are getting your needs met by a person you love and trust.  If your needs aren’t being met, and you are under the expectation that they should be met (which they should), you are in a place where you and your partner can talk about what you need.  This sets you up for continuous strong communication and, hopefully, a thriving relationship.

There are some helpful ways in which we can manage our expectations, use them to understand our current needs, and even prepare ourselves for potential disappointments. That’s when you do a detailed study about your needs, your expectations from a particular relationship and the way it can be fulfilled. When there are situations where your basic expectations are not being fulfilled, we need to talk it out with the other party in that relationship, share the Gap where the expectations aren’t being fulfilled, and try and arrive at a middle way where it brings a comfort to a relationship

So, in the nutshell, Rather than having no expectations at all, it’s better to have basic and realistic/reasonable expectations from any relationships. But it’s always a two way street. The efforts are supposed to be put in both ways, by both parties of a relationship. One sided efforts never work. Eventually, it brings disappointment, resentment and sorrow, especially to the one who is continuously putting in efforts and trying to salvage a relationship. That being said, It has to be your decision -  what to do if your expectations aren’t met. But I feel, when someone’s continuous futile single handed efforts to stay together , despite the basic expectations not being fulfilled, is bringing nothing but pain to them, it’s time to move on from that toxic relationship and breathe a fresh air of freedom, to avoid further resentment and getting depressed.